The Year In Review

As the year 2019 comes to a close let me review of how it went for me...

January- The year started off as any other year in the last few, nothing notable comes to mind.

February- It started with my mother falling, cracking a rib which turned into a punctured lung, emergency trauma surgery, a 10 day stay in ICU, and eventually a move to a rehab facility.

March- Mom home for a short stint before another fall and a repeat of February. This time after the second surgery she refused to eat and drink for several days and we thought we were going to lose her. My daughter visited at the end of the month and things started to look better.

April- Mom moved to a rehab facility again, was weak from the two surgeries and did not respond to rehab, needed 24 hour care in the home along with being oxygen dependent.

May- Rehab stopped and her insurance would not cover in-home care, but would cover long-term care in a nursing facility. I started to explore moving to Colorado.

June- Finished 8 years at Coventry Public Schools, started to clean out my mother's house and made the decision to move west.

July- Bought a new used car, finished up at The Tobacco Shop, and took a 4 day drive to Glenwood Springs, Colorado. Everything I owned was backed into the car.

August- Unemployed and living in a strange city, but near my daughter once again, but away from my son.  Relationship with daughter was rough and second guessing my move.

September- Finally found employment, and relationship with daughter improving.

October- Maeve had to put her horse down and then 10 days later her dog, was heartbroken for and with her.

November- Maeve finds handsome young gelding and starts to heal, relationship with her getting much better.

December- Two weeks before the holidays was informed that my job was being eliminated at the end of the month. Panic starts to creep in...found new position and with a raise three days after Christmas.

Here is to a less turbulent 2020...

Cowgirl Up

Yesterday was a terrible day for my daughter. She lost her best companion. She is devastated and truly heart broken. I am at a loss in trying to find ways in making it right for her.

I am amazed at her compassion and grit through all of this. Her love for something and her dedication is way beyond her years. Her ability to make the right decision is a credit to her as a human being.

Her horse broke the cannon bone and had damage in the long pattern bone in the right rear leg. It would have taken numerous surgeries over the next year to repair the fracture, and even then the horse would be unrideable.

When the vets informed her that even after all that could be done and the long rehab, that her horse would still be in pain. My daughter's response was no, no, no, no....and made the decision to euthanize her horse as she could not bear to see the animal she loved in pain.

That is a grownup choice for a 13yo woman.

I know how tough it has been when making similar decisions for the pets in my life. I still can not get to place to share my life with another dog after my last one. There will never be another one like my last golden and I truly miss her every day.

I know my daughter feels the same way right now, but I know that she will eventually find that next great love.

Thank you LaNa for being there for my daughter and always protecting her when the two of you were together in the ring.

Colorado: The Land of the Directional Impaired

As I get my bearings in the area, I have become aware that the locals around here do not know or use cardinal directions correctly, or at least how I was educated with them.

Let me demonstrate some examples:

• If you go "up valley" you actually have to travel south...now most maps are laid out with north being the top of the chart. The rest of society will tell you that you go up to go north (As in, "I went up north this weekend."), not up traveling south to your destination. Everyone here will quickly remind you it is an "elevation thing." But if you are south of Aspen and have to go down in elevation are you going up or down?
• The "South Canyon" is located to the northwest of West Glenwood Springs. Everything north of the canyon is desolate and very steep, so not that approachable from that direction, so not sure why they call this the "South Canyon"? The other canyon into Glenwood Springs is to the east of South Canyon and is called Glenwood Canyon not "North Canyon."
• In defense of the locals, I will confirm that the Roaring Forks River flows north until the confluence with the Colorado River (which then flows northwest through the South Canyon), while most of the rivers in the northern hemisphere flow south.
• Secondly, I refer to being from "back east," but to get back east I have to travel to the front. You see they call the eastern slope of the Rockies here the "Front Range." I assume the name is from the time of the expansion west. But the majority of the weather here travels west to east, so can we call it a storm "front" if it is coming from the back of the front range? Just asking...

No one gets lost here with their localized aboriginal system of directions, I guess they are preserving an earlier civilizational way of thinking.

Rebuilding Relationships

I love my daughter (and my son).

Many that know me, know how much I love my children. I relocated 2100 miles to be closer to my youngest (the oldest is grown and flown, and trying to do his thing, whatever that may be).

The first few days here were great, we got caught up, we laughed at stupid silly stuff, we enjoyed each other's company. I guess that is starting to come to an end. 

I now seem to be an annoyance, an extra, and even an embarrassment (her words). She wants to be left alone, and not do anything. I get that I am the disruption in her idyllic world here (horse, dogs, rats, snowboarding, friends, etc...), that she has an established routine and day to day. I just want to be part of that, but seems to me that there is not room for me right now.

I also get that she is a thirteen (13) year old girl, in 8th grade, in middle school. Crazy hormonal, emotional, and developmental rush for people her age, just trying to figure it all out. I am sure there are many pop psychology books (all backed by "science") and websites out there to show guidance through all this teen angst, both for her and me.

It is just bothersome that I feel like an outsider. That I can't find the door, let alone have the key to her world right now. I know I know, it give time, as she needs to adjust and get used to the idea that her father is now a part of her everyday life again, instead of just a FaceTime chat when both of us are conveniently available.

Has too much time passed, being separated by a distance, that we have lost something in our father/daughter relationship? Can it be regained or repaired or something new developed? How does one (me) go about it? Do I back off, do I push forward? She has her expectations, but I also have mine.

I will love her and support her, no matter who she has become or will become...LOve you Goose!

I Am Not That Smart

I was recently told, that just because I have a education that I think I am smarter than everyone else...WRONG!

I know that I not smarter than anyone else, but I am educated.

Let me explain...

My educational background is in engineering and the sciences. That academia has taught me to use inquiry, to do my own research, observe, to critically think, to conclude based on evidence and facts, the use of logic (not philosophical, but more binary based...yes/no, on/off, true/false), test limits and thresholds, to understand failure, adapt, and except criticism (this is the hardest one). This indoctrination has maybe made me sound dogmatic, but that is also wrong.

There are many that do not have an education that are way smarter than me. I have very little musical talent (or any kind of talent for that matter), I struggle with the English language and have never really been able to learn any other language outside a few simple phrases. During my formative years I struggled with many subjects in school and had times staying focused on the task at hand (still do) maybe I was ADD or ADHD? I was labeled dyslexic, because I flipped letters in words (dysgraphia), struggled with recognizing letter sounds, and decoding words. I still struggle with spelling to this day and have learned how to manage that some what. But I have other abilities that some do not, like the ability to visualize things in 3D (while studying chemical engineering my classmates used models to build compounds to help them isomerisms, I just closed my eyes and was able to see if they were cis or trans, and which way the rotated). At the same time I can not watch 3D movies without getting nauseous.

My education also fuels my sarcasm, my sardonic approach, and my cynicism, and this also contributes to my haughtiness. I try to have patience for those that do not process things quickly, but that is not always possible and rarely happens. My education also gets in the way of things, like the acceptance of religion, blind faith, psychology, symbolism, and libertarianism (oops, there is that sardonicism).

So no I am not nor do I think I am smarter than anyone else...

Independence Day

I would like to take this moment to give thanks to those that have done nothing for this country. To the people that have not served in the military, who complain about government, the society around them and have taken advantage of it all but have given nothing back. To those that have the support the troops bumper stickers, given to wounded warrior, or a petty tithe to their church on Sunday.

Your leader in the WH, is a prime example of this set. Draft dodger, tax evader, whoremonger, taker. Now destroying a country that he has done nothing for but has taken advantage of his entire life. His disciples worship his lifestyle and are blind to his evil ways. Even if slightly aware are quick to forgive or turn a cheek.

With this, our society has been corrupted to brink of no return, with alt-right gaining a foothold in spreading hate, with the treatment of innocent children coming to this country, with the setback of women's rights, the evangelism of the Supreme Court. It will take many many years, even decades, to undo the damage done by this man, his administration, and his supporters.

And for what end? That I do not have an answer. Personal gain for a select few, with an empty promise to so many for their allegiance. Many a despot has done this and it is now happening here, but we have learned nothing from previous similar situations.

Happy Independence Day

Exit Plan?

So as I get ready to end my CT chapter and start a new one in CO, I am starting to think about what I want to do before I leave.

After much consideration, it is not really doing anything in the state but more about foods. I am aware that there is no good pizza or bagels in Colorado (both from visiting and conversations with The Maeve), both of those are easily taken care of in getting my last few tastes of these two CT delectable treats. The other that keeps coming to my mind is seafood, I know with today's globalization, that seafood is available in CO but it comes with a heavier burden on the wallet. 

As I think about the various seafoods I enjoy (which is just about everything that comes out of the ocean that is edible), most fish ships well, as with lobster and other crustaceans.  I think that the toughest find in CO will be a really fresh raw oyster (Crassosterea Virginicas). 

I have been fortunate to have been exposed to oysters right off the boat from Norm Bloom and the Copps Island area in Norwalk. There is nothing like getting a bushel of them handed to you as a gift for some work done and eating them within 90 minutes from boat to mouth. 

I also am related the Talmadge family which had oystered the LI sound for decades, so I had been introduced and loved oysters for as long as I can remember. 

So I guess an outing or two enjoying some fresh oysters before departing is what I want to do, so who is in? 

Blue points, Ninigret, Pemaquid, Point Judith, Mystics?

BTW, they pair really well with scotch and/or bourbon.

The Couch (Part II)

So I have now done two more session in my conquest to get myself back to a "normal" baseline in my own head. That is twice as many sessions with this counselor as with the first one.

First session with this counselor was basically a repeat of the first visit, a rehashing of everything and I guess that was to be expected. They seem nice, a little bit more clinical than the first one and more of what I stereotypically expected this was going to be.

Second session, cancelled as I pull into the parking lot...

Third session, delving into more of what is throwing me out of alignment. More sharing and how I attempt to manifest it all (which I guess I am doing it all wrong as I am just avoiding the issues instead of confronting them, but really just want them to go away so why would I confront them?). As we talk about "the plan", I mention that I will be leaving for Colorado soon and how will this "plan" work with all that. They look at me and ask that I am not here for medication...I said no. More talking about the plan, but no real solutions yet.

Now thinking back to that question about being there for the medication...WHAT THE FUCK?

Is this what it is all about? Is this what our civilization has developed into? "Better" living through chemistry? And what medication? I currently do not qualify for a medical marijuana card in the State of CT. So what medication?

Also, do I want an RX written by someone with a MSW? I personally have more education than they do, and my education is actually in science and engineering.

Lastly, do I want to wake around snowed all the time? Do I want to be on something that is going to destroy my liver enzymes and eventually my liver? Will this actually solve anything or just cover up symptoms?

This maybe continued...

The Couch

So how fucked up do you have to be to have your therapist cancel twice and then quit altogether on you?

I was hesitant to go in the first place, and now this is not really helping after just one visit. This was supposed to help with the stress, not add to it, or at least that is what I thought how it was supposed to work.

My reticence about going in the first place was, that I would share what was or what I believe was creating the stress (we will talk about this word in a minute) and they would tell me of course anyone with that going on will be anxious. In other words, "normal" (whatever that is) and there was nothing wrong (you are not crazy). BTW, I was correct and that was what was conveyed during the first and only visit so far, but at the same time they said that I need to work on "me." So another appointment was set up, along with a weeks worth of homework.

Homework completed (yep I am that guy). Appointment cancelled. Appointment rescheduled, appointment cancelled. Appointment rescheduled, notified that counselor no longer can see me.

I liked the person I was seeing, I felt we had connected. I shared, we talked, I asked questions (a...lot...of...questions), they answered. I liked most of their responses. It was pointed out that I would be a challenge because they thought I was very intelligent and that I approached everything from a logical point of view and expected outcomes and answers every time. I told them my academia background is in science and engineering. That is when they mentioned that I used the word "stress" a lot and while used as a layman's term in psychology, it was more of an engineering term (I am still going to use the term stress, no matter what).

The thing I liked from my session on the couch (actually a chair and not all that comfortable) was I was there for "mental health" not because I was mentally sick, just that I needed to get my brain in a more positive place and reduce the physical effects of the stress.

So I guess I am scheduled to start anew with another therapist, we will see if I can defeat this one.

<I found writing this post therapeutic>

That is very christian of you

"That is very christian of you."

That was what was told me after I helped someone that I had no relationship with, and then it struck me, what a bigoted racist ignorant thing to say.

Only christians help other people? Are you fucking kidding me?

No, it was the human thing to do. It had nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with religion, yours or anyone else's. People should just care about each other

Making a statement like that just demonstrates your ingrained ignorance and bias toward others that do not share your secular beliefs.

When you make a statement like that, you are saying anyone that is not a christian has no compassion, no humanity toward anyone else. Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, Atheists, whatever can not do anything for their fellow humans...I call bullshit!

The longer I remain on this planet, the more I become aware that christians are the most hypocritical people on the face of earth. History will inform us easily that christians have been responsible for more deaths on this orb than any other group. 

Please do not tell me that is christian of me, I am much better than that. I have far more empathy, compassion, caring, and humanity. Don't lump me into that sect. Thankfully I am agnostic.

And to those that think I am segregating out the christians and being "biased" against them, I am just speaking the truth...so I forgive you.

  

New MacBook

I have been a Mac products user since just after the inception in 1984 (Apple started earlier than that, but Mac was launched in 1984 during the SuperBowl). I have had a few machines from an Apple SE, LC 475, iMac, MacBook, and now a MacBook Air. Also have bought a number of smaller Apple products like iPhones, iPods, and iPads.

While they are more expensive and elitist than the rest of the computing world, the quality of their products are second to none. They have been dropped, coffee soaked, hard disk crashed, and more. But all have been resurrected and continued on.

I got my MacBook in late 2009. Great machine and has gone through a lot. Three hard drives, a coffee incident, many OS transformations, and a few RAM upgrades.  Still an excellent running device, but the outer plastic shell has started to crumble and it has become fragile.

After some deep soul searching and many hours of research, both about the product and with my finances, I decided to purchase a newer refurbished laptop. With my past history with Mac products I am confident that this gently used and loved machine will bring a number of good years of work and enjoyment.